everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
