You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
