connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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