You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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