The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
