"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
