he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
