so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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