good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think im going to throw up on grandma
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
