So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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