I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
