I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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