so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
