At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
