I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
