I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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