just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
