Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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