he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm just crazy horny about you
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
