Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
