If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
