Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
