Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
