I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
