Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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