dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
