God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
