We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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