life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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