I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
