we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
