I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
