Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Pooping to opera.
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