I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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