I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
