I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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