Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We are all done wearing pants today
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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