You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
