i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
