I swear she didn't look like that last week.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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