I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize