I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
