It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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