proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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