i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
