My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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