I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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