Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
