Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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