I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
