so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Randomize
