Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
