I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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