This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
