My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Randomize
