Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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