He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
