Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
