Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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