My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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