why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize