mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
