I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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