she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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