ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize