I can text with my tongue
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Randomize
