I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
