shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
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