I just pynch a tree in the face
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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